Your relationship with food isn’t about willpower — it’s about safety, worth, and your nervous system.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in cycles of restriction, bingeing, body obsession, or self-criticism, this episode will meet you exactly where you are.
In today’s conversation, I’m talking with Marla Mervis-Hartmann, author of BE-Friend Yourself and emotional eating expert. We dive into why control feels powerful, how diet culture wires us for shame, and what it actually takes to truly heal your relationship with food.
We talk about the “high” of restriction, the crash that follows, trauma healing, nervous system regulation, and how becoming your own best friend changes everything.
If you’re ready to stop fighting your body and start feeling safe inside it, this episode is for you.
Resources:
Are you a health coach in need of done-for-you content?
Visit yourhealthcoachbiz.com and save 40% using code GO40.
Ready to launch your own podcast or need full podcast management services?
Learn more here:
https://rachelafeldman.com/the-healthy-hustle-podcast-agency/
Connect with Marla Mervis-Hartmann:
Website:
https://loveyourbodyloveyourself.com
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/loveyourbodyloveyourselfalways/
TEDx Talk – The Secret Ingredient to Feeling Good in Your Body
(Available on YouTube)
Book – BE-Friend Yourself:
https://a.co/d/2WkJ4vu
Marla offers a free resource called Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Eating that can help you begin:
https://goloveyourbodyloveyourself.com/emotionaleating
Her book BE-Friend Yourself and TEDx talk, The Secret Ingredient to Feeling Good in Your Body, go deeper into this work.
Why Control Felt Like Safety
So we started talking about control — and I shared how for years I thought control over food was going to give me freedom. I really believed that if I could just shrink my body enough, manage my eating enough, perfect myself enough… then everything would feel safe.
Marla helped reframe something powerful here — control wasn’t weakness. It was self-soothing. It was my nervous system trying to protect me when everything else felt chaotic.
Rachel: …I was my body… trying to shrink it as much as I could and trying to get as much control over my food… thinking that when I had that control, then I was gonna get the freedom…
Marla: When we’re in control, it’s a way that we self-soothe. It’s a way that we take back our power and our authority and say, I can control this one thing when everything else feels out of control…
When Attention Became Identity
I shared a story about losing weight as a teen and getting attention for it — and how that moment wired something into my brain. It wasn’t about vanity. It was about attachment.
When praise and love get attached to your body, your body becomes your currency.
Rachel: …I came back and I had lost like 10 pounds… and getting all that attention… it just spawned this, “oh my God, I get all this attention from being skinny and thin.”
Marla: …I remember that moment where it was like, oh, my body matters and I better get my body to this weight, or I’m gonna lose love.
The High of Restriction and the Crash After
We talked about something that not enough people say out loud: restriction gives you a high.
There’s a rush that comes from control. From discipline. From “winning” at dieting. But what I didn’t understand for years was that every high comes with a crash.
And that crash is what keeps the cycle alive.
Rachel: …that high made me feel like I was better than…
Marla: I don’t necessarily address the high, I address the low that comes after the high. With every high, there’s a crash… we’re working to prevent the crash.
The Moment I Hit the “Magic Number”
Marla shared something that really struck me. She hit her “magic number” — the weight she thought would finally fix everything — and she was miserable.
And I remember thinking, yes. That’s it. Because I’ve been there too. You think the number will bring peace. And it doesn’t.
Marla: …I stepped on the scale and I was the thinnest I’d ever been. It was the magic number. And when I hit that number, I realized, oh, this isn’t working…
Healing Wasn’t a Switch — It Was Mini Moments
This is where the conversation got really honest.
Healing didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t a light switch. It wasn’t a program. It wasn’t a “three weeks and you’re cured” situation.
It was mini moments.
Moments of not over-exercising.
Moments of lying down instead of burning it off.
Moments of feeling fear and saying, “I’m safe.”
That’s when the nervous system starts to trust.
Marla: …I had to go through all those mini moments of feeling safe with food… saying no, you’re not going to exercise… your body is tired… and lying there and feeling the fear…
The Nervous System Piece
I shared that for me, trauma work was non-negotiable. Big Ts. Small Ts. EMDR. Therapy. Nervous system regulation.
Because the food was never just about food.
It was about safety.
Rachel: …I had to go through a lot of trauma therapy… Big Ts and small Ts… and I really had to work deeply on my nervous system…
Marla: …when we relieve ourselves of the food stuff… we’re deep into what is actually here and wants to be held and loved… worthiness… abandonment…
The “Best Friend” Practice
One of my favorite takeaways from this episode was Marla’s question:
What would you say to your best friend right now?
Because I realized — I was not a good friend to myself. I was harsh. Critical. Relentless.
Becoming my own safest place changed everything.
Marla: …what would your best friend tell you? How can you treat yourself as if you were your own best friend?
Why This Work Changes Everything
We closed by talking about the bigger picture.
If you don’t do this work, it shows up somewhere. In your body. In your business. In your visibility. In your relationships.
And yes, it’s scary to go inward.
But whatever you’re avoiding is already running your life.
Marla: Whatever we’re afraid to attend to is already living inside of you and running your life…
Where You Can Connect with Marla
We wrapped up with how to find her, her book BE-Friend Yourself, her TEDx talk, and her free course Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Eating.
Marla: LoveYourBodyLoveYourself.com… my TEDx talk is called The Secret Ingredient to Feeling Good in Your Body… and I have a free gift called Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Eating…
